My cat gives me a boner
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
