oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
