did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize