When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
