I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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