At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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