I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
time to smoke my breakfast
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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