On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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