saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
