My sheets look like a crime scene.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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