I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
