Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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