I'm drive I can fine osifer
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize