So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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