Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
