Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize