You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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