I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
