so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
