1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I want a musical about memes.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
