I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
you made out with another girl for some wings
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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