I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
