I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
