i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
is that a dick in a sweater?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
