On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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