12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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