if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
