Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
