Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
