Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
she peed on how many people?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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