physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
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