I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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