cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
