connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
My life is pants optional.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
