I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I pour the whiskey from now on
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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