umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
