I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
