is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
