dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
