Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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