we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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