Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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