he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
