I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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