If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
