dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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