We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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