A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
