roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
