You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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