i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
