my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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