1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
