I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
