Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize