Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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