I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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