every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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