I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
