I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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