So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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