So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
