I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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