he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
