My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
